Count Dooku, Force Sensitive Human Male and Cumking of Serenno
by Grinch Grugs
Summary: A young count Dooku learns the trials and tribulations of love, jedi college, friendship and more in his formative years.
1. The Emperor's New Dook

**Count Dooku, Force Sensitive Human Male and Cumking of Serenno: An Expanded Universe Novel**

 **Chapter One - The Emperor's new Dook**

The admissions wookie smiled.

"wreaaARRHAW" she politely mewled.

"Please, call me _Count_ Dooku, _Duke_ Dooku is my father." said the spry courtly-mannered young man as he turned and stepped out onto the hoverquad. Overhead bots were zooping and zorping all about.

"Ahhh college" he thought "jedi college.. the college im going to attend to become a jedi"

He then thought several other expository things like "Im glad I managed to secure a spot at the school's most prestigious frat, Bantha Bantha Rancor aka the Blue Milk Boys aka Banth Banth Rancorlution" and "My first class is Badass Lightningfingers with Plo.. followed by Master Yodas's Trigonometry of the Body Fantastic."

Dooks wished he had a friend to say obvious thoughts aloud to. Still.. at least he looked fly as hell. The young adultling was festively adorned in a tie dye poncho, and wore boots with bedazzled spaceboy spurs. His left arm bore a full sleeve tattoo of Boss Nass and the text "Hack Sack.. Will Travel".

"What a burden it is to be so cool yet so lovelorn" he thought.

But just as he was about to walk into the Windu Inaugural Spaceport Hall, he saw the most beautiful woman...one of those tube head hot alien women. You know the type with the two tubes on the back? That one.


	2. The Forced Awakening

**Chapter Two - The Forced Awakening**

his space alrm pierced throuhg the air like a spear, but if insetad the sharpness was decibel level.

it whirred and zapped and chirped until young dooku was certain he had awoken even those in the hosnian system.

"karabast!" he exclaimed with accented anguish.

"alarm! cease to not hush!"

it zorped on back to the charging doc, giving off a plasant vibe as it settled.

"blast, that was my 13th snooze and master yoda's class starts in just a few moments!"

the alarm was asleep by now and didn't reply.

muttering a few choice swears, dooku straped on his spaceboy boots and selected an emerald poncho then headed for the automatic door.

the air outside was crispy, not unlike a galaxy bagel left in the broiler too long (but cold).

his cheeks went flush with brr energy and he picked up the pace with even less moemnts left.

why did he have that fourth accarrgm shot last night? just in case she came by?

dooker neared the trigonmetry pavilion, pledging internaly to make a good first day's impression, even in his dischevled state.

the big robot doors womped open and he was face to face with a full class - now staering - and a perfecct view of yodas weirdest ear.

"to join us, nice of you it is and on time" yode mocked lightheardetly and to massive laughs from the class.

"sorry professor master yoda i was brushing up on canonical parlance and lost track of the spaceclock."

MmmmmmmMMMmmmmmmmmmmmmmm yoda hummed, gesturing to the one open seat.

and there she was.

the tube-haired goddess he'd lost track of in the hoopla yesterday.

he shuffled over as yoda resumed talking of various shapes you could draw.

"is this seat taken," doku asked her coyly

"it was hoping you would ask," she slickly whipserd, moving her lasergel pens and matching notebok to make room.

he smirked coylyler still.

"i'd like to tie those tubes with my pantship," dooku's mind wandered.


	3. Chapter 3: Forces of Destiny

It was't until after trigonometry that the playful Count was able to corner Tubular Girl in the hallway. "Excuse me. Have you ever heard the tragedy of Duke Dooku the Wise?"

"I can't say that I have," she said looking him upa nd down dismissively.

"of course not," said Dooku. "It's not a story the Jedi would-"

"DOOKSTER!" the call came down the hallway loudly. "I have plombed the depths oft he Coruscanti nightlife for you. Where have you been?"

Count Dooku winced and turned to find young Sifo-Dyas, aka the Sif, the Dark Sif Rises, or A Sif of One's Own. "Sifo."

"I've been looking evereywhere for you. You still owe me for the death sticks." Sifo leaned suggestively against the wall, looking Tubular Girl up and down. "Hello. what have we here?"

She sniffed. "I don't negotiate with death stick users," she said, turning and walking down the hall. She gave Dooku one last glance over her shoulder. "But I'll be in the library if you want to . . . study."

Dookster turned to Sifo when sh ewas gone. "What the wizard, dude? Couldn't you see I was gettin gsommewhere?"

"With HER? Nah Dook. I have better idea." He pointed down the hall toward a lone figure currently occupied with tying up her hair. "Her best friend."

It was then that Count Dooku saw his destiny.

Jocasta Effing Nu.


	4. Chapter 4: Have One On Me

The Dookster approached Joanna Nu tenattatively.

"Hello" said the Count "and you must be.."

"The Milk-Eyed Mender" said Joanna.

"Well I could hardly not.. notice.. your milk. Eyes. Obviously. Very wet. and Milky."

"…"

"Anyways would you like to continue this.. _simulating_ conversation at a bar? I know a place with killer mozeralla"

"Ys"

At the bar several robots were present, which was fine. They drank motor oil and swore about the stock market. Also a tuskan raider did a rather friendly jig around a combination active lightsaber / stripper pole. It was singing her robes a lot and the bar smelled like fire… and lust. Which is a separate flavor of firesmell. (hatred is wet)

To deal with his pre-coital jitters the Count had taken a deathstick in the toilet, and the date was not going well. For one, Joanna New had a deceptively elfish voice that was hard to hear over the Nu-Metal blaring from the jukebox, but which would go well with a lute. And for two, he had rudely insinuated that a 70% marginal tax rate on Billionaires was unreasonable even though similar legislation was passed in the fifties—Joanna was too woke to be impressed by such an oafish blunder.. and excused herself to leave.

"wait, what about our bills, you cant close out now!" whined the Duke, his head abuzz with the death throes of deathstick juice.

"Have One on Me" Joanna Newsome said as she tossed some credit chips on the floor and marched out.

"Alas and alak" opined the duke sweetly as he started his comedown. "she truly is the fairest maiden of the desert.. of my heart"

"Cheer up old friend" came a voice from across the bar "at least youll be dead soon"

It was Jon Favreau! His arch enemy from the prep house – and he had a gun leveled right at dookus chest!

The tuskan raider gasped.


End file.
